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I wrote down a quote from Rachel's blog a while back and I (still) really like it: "He said the only thing that's important is if you're living the way you really, honestly want to live." I've been following it lately, trying not to think about a certain someone too much. (I kind of veered off that this weekend by stopping by too many times; sometimes I wonder if I'm being too annoying.) I rarely, rarely talk about my personal life, even in person. It's something I like to keep to myself but every now and then, it slips into my writing. So I guess this'll be the one entry I talk about it. So back to the quote. I've been doing my own thing and going about my business. I feel pretty good for the most part but whenever I pause for moment, I think about him. I don't want to nag at it; I don't want to be too annoying. When you like someone, you get all nervous and do/say stupid things. You're clumsy mentally and emotionally. So I make pacts with myself to go a week without thinking about or seeing him. Is that strange? I don't know. I don't ever know. For sure, I am not good at the language of love. Sometime last year I concluded that the universe is against me being happy for extended periods of time, that it can only be fleeting moments. That sounds completely ridiculous but all the times that something in my life goes right, immediately something bad happens to counter it. I think that's why films, TV shows, material possessions and so on are made: just for those fleeting moments of happiness. I can be slap happy for 2 hours in the dark with strangers or for a half hour living vicariously through those characters on screen. Anyway, I suppose if something's meant to happen, it will. If not, that's okay. We're friends first and foremost. A good friend of mine said that she admired my ability to let go and be okay with things. I don't know how I do that, but I can. I guess that's a good thing in the end. |
Ha, I had to look up which entry that was... I thought it was the drunk Long Island man but apparently it was actually the fat black Jesus in my dream.
But that's not what this is about. In any case, I've given up looking for a continuous state of happiness and have settled for punctuated moments of satisfaction much as you have described.
If I knew you IRL I'd take you out and get you plastered right about now... cheer up emo kid!