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With friendships, there's a give and take when to comes to conversing about things going on in our lives and whatnot. I've never been good with talking about personal things but I'm great at listening to everyone. Which is what happens most of the time and you know, I like it. When it is my turn, I really don't have much to say. My mind races, trying to find something substantial to respond with but most of the time my thought process is like this: "Oh, lord. They just spilled their guts out for me and I've got nothing! Umm, 'The Office' was great! No, that's not even... Er, Alton Brown is my culinary hero! Um..." The thing is, I'm okay most of the time with things and I really don't have much to complain about. If I do, I'll turn to my therapy, pen & paper. But somehow, it all adds up to this: I'm a little bit of mystery to everyone, even my friends. I've been getting increasingly frustrated with people trying to pry into my life, as if I'm hiding something. I'm really not. I share what I share and talk about what I talk about. I'm not hiding anything. I choose not to talk about certain things because it makes me uncomfortable, and if that equates to hiding something then what the heck! I can't be an "open book" or be "secretless." I'm just not built that way. It's not a trust issue, no. I don't like being open about everything because it makes me feel vulnerable. I don't like feeling that way. Keeping certain things―most of my emotions, thoughts, little slices of life―to myself is what makes me okay with things. It might be, I guess, unhealthy to do that all the time, but it's not destroying me. I'll have my moments when I need to unload but otherwise, it's what keeps me sane and grounded. If I didn't have a tiny space for 'me, myself, and I,' I would've gone crazy a long time ago. I'm guarded because that's what I've been taught. And yes, it's probably working against me in many ways but I can't let my walls crumble right away. I do realize that is my problem; I'm completely incapable of letting someone get close to me and vice versa. Still, keep chipping away. I'm a tough shell to break, but it'll happen eventually. One day the walls will fall and I'll be... okay. I'm just a low key kind of gal. |
there's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping some things to yourself. true friends respect privacy.
i'm the same way. although lately, i've been forcing myself to open up and be really honest about myself and my feelings. just a few times here and there. i always feel uncomfortable and almost sick afterwards but ... the more i do it the easier it gets.
you remind me so much of myself at your age.
(i mean, not like i'm SO much older or anything but i sorta feel like i've grown a lot in the past year)
it's ok to keep certain things to yourself but for me i think i was holding back because i was afraid of people criticizing me for who i really am if i let that out. so, i kept to myself and used my nuggets of my 'true' personality almost as weapons to keep myself secret from other people. it got to the point where i would even lie about things, stupid things, like if i really liked something, i'd actually say i DIDN'T like it just so people couldn't somehow use it against me.
something i heard once that i thought was really deep (it was a reference to children who grew up in foster care or something like that but i think it's a good thought): 'people don't put up walls to keep other people out. they put them up to see who cares enough to break them down.'
i've been really really fortunate to have met people who care enough to at least chip away at my walls. i mean, i'm still pretty private with my feelings and probably always will be to some degree. i have to respectfully disagree with both Jennifer's and Kim's comments, because (1) i do think that friends should respect your privacy but in my experience, 'true friends' are the people who know the weird little things about you and still like you despite / because of them, and (2) forcing yourself to do something (what clinical psychologists call immersion) is not necessarily always the best way to do things.
for me, what it took was a fresh start and meeting completely new people that didn't know anything about me before. not that i became a completely different person just to fuck with them or anything, but i basically conjured up an image in my head of who i wanted to be and then acted that out because i didn't have the pressure of someone saying, 'hey, that's not you!'
and whaddya know, it worked.
anywho this is too long and probably should have been sent via email. sorry!