toastier.org ; Are you happy?

Rachel asked: "are you happy?"

Am I happy? Am I happy? I cannot even tell you how many times I repeated this question to myself. When I first read it, I felt like someone had socked me in the stomach. But you know when that happens? When the most mundane question becomes unanswerable?

I wish I could tell you that I am happy, that I am content with my life. Or that no, my life sucks right now and I'm completely miserable. But the truth is... the truth is I don't know. I'm in this fuzzy area, this grey area where I don't know if I'm happy or not. I can't tell if me being just "okay" equals happiness. I put on this facade of calmness and "all is well" because... maybe it's the only way of convincing myself that this is what it feels like to be happy. And it's not to say I don't experience moments of happiness. I do. It's fleeting, and I savor it whenever they happen. Those moments of laughter, those moments of triumph, those moments of "I can't believe that worked!" But in the long run... I don't know. It kind of scares me and comforts me at the same time.

There's this Charlie Brown quote I wrote down a long time ago, and I still like it:

Linus: "What would you say you want most out of life, Charlie Brown? To be happy?"
Charlie Brown: "Oh, no. I don't expect that. I really don't. I just don't want to be unhappy!"

—20 March 2008 ; No comments

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Hi, my name is Amy. Be well, and say hello!