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 It's funny how your initial perception of someone changes overtime as the relationship unfolds, friends and lovers alike. In the beginning it's a learning experience: learning about what he or she likes, how he or she reacts to certain things and so on. But as the relationship progresses, this perception becomes a little clouded as events make it cliché. It is what it is now, and you begin to expect things just like how he or she would expect things, too. Somewhere, somehow, you begin to realize this and you shake yourself out of it. How did it get like this? How did I get like this? Sometimes I let things go too easily. I speak not of the conscious kind, but rather of the subconscious, the unaware. When something is good, I let it be good. I let it run its course, leaving it on autopilot because why disrupt something when it's perfectly fine? I've been a weird funk these past few weeks, I'm not sure why. I keep waking up at night and laying there, listening to the city sounds as I try to fall asleep again. I beg my body to shut down for just a little while longer before daylight breaks. Maybe it's because I've been so busy that my mind won't stop spinning, or maybe hurting my shoulder muscle is what really has been keeping me from sleeping. But whatever it was, it's gone now. Last night I woke up in a cold sweat and found myself breathing heavily, trying to gulp in as much air as possible, as if it were my last. I sat up and rested my head against the cool wall, wincing as I shifted my shoulder. The gulping stopped as I started to take slower breaths, calming down. Then I felt this coldness sweep through my body, as if it were evaporating, and just like that, it was gone. I'm sure there's a logical explanation for this, but I'd like to think whatever (or whoever) was with me these past few weeks has left. I started to drift off leaning against the wall and eventually laid back down to fall into a deep, peaceful sleep. So, what does any of that have to do with what I was talking about in the beginning? Well, when I woke up this morning, the fog that had been surrounding me dissipated. And all the sudden, a jumble of realizations occurred to me. I feel like I've been playing a role in a movie; I wasn't myself but someone else. And I didn't like that role, I didn't like that character, I didn't like not being me. Of course, the jigg was up and it completely smacked me in the face. I was unaware of how I've let some of my relationships with people slide, particularly one that was very important to me. I was there, but not really. I was hearing, not listening. It was becoming old; I was becoming old. My lack of interest has probably been obvious with my mind everywhere. So I sat myself down tonight and wrote. The relationship is not cliché. I do not know this person. I do not know what to expect. I do not know anything anymore. It is, and will be, a continuous learning experience because I know that I have so much more to learn. And when I can be comfortable again, I will share again. I am reborn. |
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Hi, my name is Amy. Be well, and say hello!
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