toastier.org ; I'm lost

I'm lost again.

Although, I'm not entirely sure if I ever found my way in the first place. I guess a large part of life is finding your way, to be yourself when the world and its people try to constantly change who you are. At the core of it, you're still you but even then, something so fragile can break and be placed back together in a different way. That's the thing with puzzles: there are a myriad of ways to figuring them out but they all lead to the same solution.

The thing is... I feel like I'm in a constant battle with myself. Each time I think I'm closer to finding my way or myself again, I lose it. I have these revelations, these clear thoughts on recent events that suddenly shift me back in line again. That path that was once clear of obstacles is now filled with even more. I push people away because I think I'm in a better place and that I don't need them anymore. And when I mean push people away, I really mean I disappear from their lives and hopefully, my absence is just an unnoticeable space. But I realize much too later that I've pushed away the right people and kept the wrong ones. By then, I've changed because who you surround yourself with tends to influence how you think, how you act, how you are. (I guess that makes me weak.) My feeble attempts at trying to reconcile the time and distance passed is almost useless but I keep trying anyway. (I guess that makes me persistent.) I show that I haven't changed, that I'm still me, that it was just a fluke. Where did I go?

I don't understand myself sometimes, though I don't think anyone really understands themselves sometimes.

I'm lost.

— 9 July 2008 ; 2 comments

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Jasmin on July 10, 2008 at 6:44AM

The best part about being lost is finding a way out or being found.

I'm like that with people - friends who don't seem significant are avoided at all costs; in the end the effort made to create distance seems silly, luckily most friendships turned distant have been easily reconciled.

I think the beauty of sincerity, like you've shown, is being earnest and upfront about who you are. Perhaps they have changed and are unwilling to admit the truth about themselves.

lizsu on July 13, 2008 at 9:34PM

freedom to do anything unexpectedly extra-ordinary. ;)

oh, and take thoughts-notes! :D

Hi, my name is Amy. Be well, and say hello!