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 Somehow, I got on the topic of love with a co-worker today. He's much older than I am and after all his experiences, he said he knows he'll never settle down. He's had boyfriend after boyfriend, and it's just plain fun. What did he say? Oh, he said to milk a relationship for what it's worth and when it ends, just move on. My other co-worker said to him that he was afraid of getting hurt, that's why he won't settle down. Turns out, he did have a long term relationship with someone, and one day it just ended. Since then, he's been getting down and around. (Though, I caught a look of sadness in his eyes when he was telling us about his long term relationship.) I didn't know how to respond, or actually, I couldn't get in my two cents because he was so forceful and adamant about it. I wanted to ask, "But... won't you ever get tired of it?" Wouldn't someone get tired of having a string of... flings? Wouldn't that scare you? Somehow I feel that's even more lonely than a life of just being truly single. It would just feel like you'd be incomplete all the time. I don't know. I think I'm more fascinated than anything else. I guess I'm just a romantic. The idea of growing old with someone who truly appreciates you for who you are and sharing your life with someone... okay, well, that sounds scary but you know what I mean. To love someone and to be loved back for exactly who they/you are, faults and quirks and everything, is what I'm trying to say. It really is a fragile thing though; it can be broken so easily. And when that happens... oh. I can see where my co-worker is coming from. But even so, isn't there a hint of hope that you might find something like that again? To want that feeling again? To want to have someone to snuggle with? Or is it too much energy and effort? But if you're really in love, doesn't that make a relationship slightly easier? Or are all relationships actually just difficult knowing that there's always that delicate balance of give and take? Why can't I stop writing in questions? Maybe I'm just too idealistic and hopeful about things. I could blame the romance in books and movies for filling my head with things like "love conquers all" and "happily ever after," but the truth is, I think that's what we all kind of strive for. Like Tim says in Spaced, "Happy endings are a myth designed to make us feel better about the fact that life is just a thankless struggle."
—Tuesday, October 28, 2008 3 comments Philosophizing love
 I used to be many things. A superhero, a spy, a scientist, an inventor, a director, an author, an artist, a dancer, an astronaut, a doctor. I used to be alive. I look in the mirror now, and all I see are tired eyes. I'm not unhappy, I tell myself. I'm okay enough. It's the same everyday, a life of monotony. I can feel the dreams slowly slip away as the glow in my eyes fade. I'm too young for this. I used to be something.
—Monday, October 27, 2008 2 comments What I used to be
 It was a little past midnight, and I was about to hop into bed when my phone came alive. I looked at it and smiled. "Hello?" I said. I always say that, even when I know who's calling. It's out of habit, you know, from the days of the actual telephone (sans caller ID). "Yoooo..." Rumbled the deep voice. Oh man, he sounds really awake, was my first thought. And I was in that snuggling into my covers sounds really, really good mode. I wound up talking for almost an hour before I finally went to bed. I could've said, "Listen, I really want to sleep. Can we talk tomorrow?" But... he just makes me laugh so much. He has the funniest stories, the cutest little quirks that warm my heart, and he's incredibly endearing. Needless to say, I went to bed tired but happy.
—Sunday, October 26, 2008 1 comment Trying my best to love you
 - Yosemite - Why I Blog - Google in 2001 - George Bush: The Comeback Kid - Fifty People One Question (my favorite: "To wake up") - Worldmapper: The world as you've never seen it before (Previously: Lists, part 16)
—Friday, October 24, 2008 0 comments Lists, part 17
 If a ladder is leaning against a building, and you walk under it, is that still considered bad luck? Or does it have to be free standing?
—Tuesday, October 21, 2008 1 comment Ladder superstition
Bret: "We were standing at the lookout." Jemaine: "Oh, I remember exactly what we did at the lookout. We just looked, out, across the city from our little spot on the hilltop. Ohh, it was so pretty from way up there. We talked about how the lights from the buildings and cars seemed like reflections of the stars. That shined out so pretty and bright, that night." Bret: "It was daytime..." Jemaine: "The daytime of the night." (One my favorites by Flight Of The Conchords. I heart them very much, and I can't wait for the second season in January. I hope they go on tour again; they're so great live.)
—Sunday, October 19, 2008 0 comments The daytime of the night
 [Mr. Boss looking at some houses] Me: (peeks over) "Is that the Rockaways?" Mr. Boss: "Yeah, aren't they nice?" Me: "Yeah, wow... you know, they have a kite festival there every year." Mr. Boss: "Excuse me? A what?" Me: "...a kite festival." Mr. Boss: "That's what I thought you said. Do you... like kites? Flying kites?" Me: "Umm, yeaah. I do." Me: (thinking to myself) "I even spent a Friday night building one! It's amazing!!!" Mr. Boss: "Well, that's... nice. I guess it's soothing..." Me: "Yeah... (pause) You didn't really need to know that, did you?"
—Thursday, October 16, 2008 1 comment In which my boss realizes I'm a dork
 I hopped onto the next downtown train and savored the unpacked subway car. For once, I wasn't smushed up against some stranger-- the perks of working on the day some guy discovered America. As I settled myself down on a gloriously empty seat, I noticed two bags left astray diagonally across from me. I looked to my right and then my left. I didn't see anyone at first, but then I saw him. A homeless man was standing between the subway cars. Just... standing there. I stared wide-eyed at first because through the shadows, he looked like the Joker, kinda hunched over like the soulless man himself with a mission to wreak havoc. A man sitting across from me saw him too and bolted to the other side of the car. I thought the homeless man was going to drop off at any moment because it looked like he was falling asleep: his head rolled from side to side lazily as he swayed with the movements of the subway. But he finally came back into the car, and by then I was infinitely more interested in my shoes. As the door slid open, I prepared myself for the undeniable odor he would bring. Oh, how it permeated the car. This one was more potent than the ones I've experienced in the past; it was up close and personal. It's an unfortunate smell I've gotten to know through the years, but I have to admit, you kind of get used to it. "3 more stops," I said to myself as I breathed as little as possible. Out of the corner my eye, I saw him rearranging himself in, well, that area and hoisting up his pants. Light bulb! I knew why he was standing between the subway cars: he was peeing. "Are you kidding me!?" I said to myself (in my head). "That's amazing!" Come on, you have to admit that's pretty impressive. Literally, peeing on the subway itself while in motion. That man is in a league of his own.
—Monday, October 13, 2008 0 comments The art of bladder relief
 Strolling through a department store, I decided to look up. I don't know why I looked up, but my mind said, "Amy, look up." So I looked up. Christmas decorations. My mind reeled as I sputtered, "But... but... Halloween? Thanksgiving...?" At least I haven't heard Christmas music yet because that's what we would call "too soon." But I feel like anything would be "too soon" because it certainly doesn't feel like Fall anymore. The weather for the upcoming week will be in the 70's, and that's what we would call "weird." And I believe "weird" would also be the perfect term for describing Christmas decorations in October.
—Sunday, October 12, 2008 3 comments Christmas in October
 I've spent the past few months in search of a scent that suits me. Not gonna lie: it's been very difficult. I guess I'm just picky about what kind of scent I give off. I don't want to smell too fruity or, no offense to the elderly, too old lady-like. So I spent the day wandering around stores, spritzing my arms with different scents. At one point, I was too eager and inhaled that chemically smell of the scent before it settled (how unpleasant is that smell? It burns your nose). Anyway, by the time I was at my last store, I had nowhere to spritz. My arms smelled like everything: I was a fruit, fresh linen, flirty, rain, and the sea. Another day, another nose dive. The truth is, I just want that fresh out of the shower smell. I wish soap companies bottled that soap smell into a body spray type thing. Because, well, doesn't soap smell so good? There are some soaps that just... that you just want to... eat. Anyway, I'm still searching for that scent. If anyone has any suggestions or specific places to shop for scents, please bestow upon me your glorious olfactory knowledge.
—Saturday, October 11, 2008 1 comment The scent of a woman
 "The courage to love does not pretend away the truth of human experience through manic flight reactions. The courage to love endures the distress of disillusionment and frustration so that new value can be found. The courage to love is inexhaustible in its resources of general repentance, repair, and reconciliation, since this process of negotiation is the essence of dignity and creates the healing wholeness of the flawed and mortal we." -- Sarah Schulman, A Fictional History of the United States
—Thursday, October 9, 2008 0 comments Courage to love
 The world is ending! Don't panic.
—Monday, October 6, 2008 0 comments Don't panic
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