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 I've been kind of a mess since last year, kind of in this downward spiral that never seems to end. I haven't been able to feel... happy. I was always okay, just okay. Never high, never low, but just was. And I thought that was, well, okay. This isn't the first time I've felt this way; years ago I felt the same way except less magnified. But one night last year, before I closed my eyes, I whispered to myself, "I'm unhappy." And then I cried. I cried myself to sleep-- a quiet, full body shaking sort of sobbing. Day after day when I woke up, it was this constant feeling of misery. Another day to get through, another day of being, another day of doing. I wanted everything to end, I wanted to jump ship, I wanted to say goodbye. There were times I thought I had kicked it, that I felt good again. I took advice from friends to go somewhere that wasn't here, even if it were for a weekend; I ran more than I usually did; I drove to the ocean to let it soothe me; I lost myself in films and books; most importantly, I wrote. I was never good at talking about things. The mentality I've always grown up with was not to complain, but to deal with things and take them in stride. In a way, that's a good thing. I'm a soldier, I keep trucking, I keep going. In another way, that's a bad thing. I don't talk, I can't communicate my emotions, I bottle everything up. I don't complain much because whenever I do, I feel annoying. Also, on a sidenote, my mom absolutely hated when I cried (whether getting yelled at or for doing something wrong); she'd always give me this look that translated into, "Really? Is this really necessary?", and would tell me to stop crying even though I couldn't, which just made her yell at me even more. So I've grown up rarely crying over things. But when I do now, it either means something is really wrong or I was genuinely moved by something (a film, book, etc). Because of all these little things, I've become an excellent masker of emotions. I keep my sadness in, I don't get angry (because that's an ugly side of me), I downplay anything that troubles me. It's all in my head where I overanalyze and eats away at me. No one's a mind reader so no one knows how I'm truly feeling, if I'm suffering, what I'm thinking. You could spend all day with me and not know me at all. In some cases, you could be friends with me for years and still not know me. That's how it is with me. I put on a mask and I put up walls because I don't like feeling vulnerable. Now couple everything together with the fact that I am a stubborn person. I'm not outrightly stubborn-- I don't fight over things, I'm happy to compromise, I'm very easygoing. But I like figuring things out, and I like doing things by myself without help. Because, isn't that satisfying when you figure something out all by yourself? I rarely went for extra help in school, adamant that I could do it all by myself. But I know I can't do everything by myself (especially in life), and I can't always shun the feeling of vulnerability. I will be vulnerable, and I will feel pain. And I will learn to pick myself up with the help of others. In college I met someone very important me, who I call Super-J here. I've mentioned him here now and then. Long story short: we were friends, more than friends (I don't do well when things are undefined, and well, since I can't for the life of me communicate how I feel, you can see where this went), then friends again. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to be with him because I still do, but that discussion is neither here nor there. He taught me that life is worth living, that there are second chances, that it's okay to feel. He helped me grow, he helped me see things differently, he made me a better person. And he has also seen me puke, but again, that story is neither here nor there. My point is, he is the most wonderful and genuine person I know. A few nights ago after I showered, I went to check my phone. He had called, so I called him back. During my shower, a deluge of emotions and thoughts beat my mind into painful oblivion: negativity, despair, sorrow, suffocation-- everything in the past year and further. We started out talking okay until I choked up and finally managed to say, "I'm sad" before I started crying. I curled up into a ball and put an arm around myself to keep myself from shaking. He listened to me as I cried, as I sniffled, as I tried to form words to describe everything between my gulps of air. He listened. He listened to me. And he was patient with me. He related his own experiences, advocated therapy and getting help, and made me laugh through my tears. At one point I said, "I have snot everywhere." He said, "That's hot." After we finished talking, I felt better and couldn't help but think what his face looked like during the call and how he felt. If I could tell you what love is, I think it would be that. I guess it means something if someone still puts up with you through puke and through tears. And that it means something when he says that I'm one of the good ones, that I'm here and I exist in this universe for a reason. I can only hope that I've done the same for him, that I've been there for him too, that I've listened to him when he needed me to. I love him, both as a friend and more than a friend. I wish I could tell him that-- that I'm still crazy about him, that I love everything about him, that if he gave me a second chance I would be better at it. I wish I could just say all those things. I've had 3 referrals written down for over a month now. I've stared at them everyday, unable to make the call. My stubbornness got the best of me but as things progressed to the breaking point this past week, I threw in the towel. I can't do this by myself anymore. I know Super-J is right, and I'm sure most would tell me the same thing. Something's not quite right with me. No one should feel this way all the time. So I called and made an appointment. And I'm going to get myself sorted out. This is the first step of many. (I've turned the comments off for you 2 readers, but you can always reach me here.) |
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Hi, my name is Amy. Be well, and say hello!
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