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 I'm always startled when someone is nice to me. It's not that I'm treated horribly; people are generally good natured and not mean. But it's almost rare that someone treats me well, as in takes care of me and takes notice of things around me enough to be courteous and giving. And that's what startles me, because I guess I was raised to not be dependent on anyone. I'm self-sufficient, I can take care of myself, I can go my own way. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel like I don't deserve to be treated so well. That sounds weird, but I mean, I grew up in a more or less warm and caring family. We look out for each other and help is always there. The word "love" is seldom used and, I don't know, I was brought up in a certain environment, almost distant but still close if that makes any sense. I guess that's how I sort of became myself? Through interactions, experiences, teachers, books and more, I learned to be generous, kind, thoughtful and loving. But even before the learning, I feel like it's this inborn thing I have. I treat people the way I think I (and everyone else) should be treated, with the same generosity, kindness, thoughtfulness and love. (Sometimes I can be overwhelming, I've realized, and I know when to "tone it down" in certain situations. And I recognize that not everyone should be treated so kindly, as some are mean-spirited. I understand that.) It was kind of something I never "had" as a kid, and maybe that's why I feel so startled and why I project such radiant feelings. And I wonder, on being startled, if people feel the same way when I'm nice to them? Because, for me, it's like this feeling of "Oh!" and "aw, shucks" all at once. No TrackBacksTrackBack URL: http://www.toastier.org/cgi-bin/mt/mt-tb.cgi/409 |
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Hi, my name is Amy. Be well, and say hello!
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