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 Sometimes the law enforcement (re: the fuzz) ride the subways. Some look like normal officers, but then there are the ones that carry the huge guns and wear the body armor and helmet, poised and ready. And whenever I'm in the same subway car with the latter, I get uncomfortable. I mean, I understand I'm supposed to feel safe but I feel more concerned. As in, "IS THERE SOMEONE IN THIS CAR I SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT???" Then my second thought is, "WHAT IF IT'S ME??" This is when you start feel guilty for no reason. Your mind goes into overdrive: "Is it because I ate a piece of candy IN the candy store WITHOUT paying?" "I'm sorry I cut in front of that man!" "Did I tip that waiter??" "Why was I so rude to that lady?" If you're by yourself, you get a little jumpy, a little fidgety. You try to focus on what you're reading or fixate on some sign you see. But you just look (or at least, feel) more suspicious. If you're with someone, you start talking in unusually high volumes about, what you think are, the most mundane things. But nooo, you are wrong. You say things like, "Yeah, those low-cut ankle socks are DA BOMB! Wait, what? NOO, I mean, they're KILLER. NO! I mean... I mean, psssh, HOSTESS CUPCAKES ARE AWESOME." Meanwhile, the person you're with has this "what is wrong with you" look. Not that any of this has happened to me.  The other day, I took my camera (and myself) out to the ocean. It was much, much cooler than I thought. I zipped up my jacket, noting that the clouds were rolling in and the wind was picking up. After a brief moment of deciding whether to take my shoes off or not, I decided to leave them on, saving my feet from the cold. I treaded along the sand slowly, battling the wind. At last, I reached the water. I watched as a lady walked her two dogs along the water, smiling as the dogs left pawprints in the sand. I watched an elderly couple hold onto each other, as the wind tried to sweep them away; they held each other even more as the time passed. I watched as a father and son tried to fish; the little boy ran away every time the waves came. Then there was me, a girl with a camera slung over her shoulder, alone with the ocean. I carefully made my way along the shoreline, crunching on shattered shells and walking around a dead seagull, sadly admiring at how beautiful and delicate it looked as it lay there. I always think the ocean knows when I'm around. Maybe everyone feels this way. As I made my presence known, the waves crashed harder; the water was trying to envelope me in. I walked inland a little bit more, but ever persistent, the ocean continued to try and pull me in. Finally, the water rushed up and kissed my feet and shivered in delight as I let my feet kiss the ocean back. The ocean here feels angrier, rougher, darker. I've met the ocean out West, and it feels a little calmer, a little more laid back, a little more friendly. I've met the ocean down South, and it's softer, lighter and happier. But out of all of them, my favorite is still the one here. It has a certain character that I can't quite describe, but it has character. I have a soft spot for it, no matter how furious it can be. Maybe because it knows when I'm sad, when I'm angry, when I'm happy. Maybe because it knows how to hug me, how to take away my sadness, how to alleviate my pain. The sky began to darken, so I started to head back. I paused briefly and stood there, looking out. I closed my eyes and let the sounds surround me one last time. I wanted to wave goodbye, like I do with friends when we part. But instead, I walked up to the water and let it hold my hand. It slowly receded in sadness. "I'll be back," I whispered.  Spring has arrived, and the world is alive again! Isn't it funny what a little warmth and sunshine can do? Everyone moped and huddled inside during the winter, and now everyone has an extra bounce in their step. It's as if all the wrongs are rights, all the mistakes are forgiven and all the sadness has turned into a... happy sadness. A large part of why I still write online is because of the photos I take. While most of my photos don't relate to what I write about, I've always liked the idea of giving you a little window into the world I see. I do like writing, don't get me wrong (it's how I started, purely by writing). But having something to show you as I "talk" has sort of evolved into my style of story-telling. Back in February, the last time I wrote, I began to lose inspiration. The photos I took were dull and empty, I stopped toting my camera around, I wasn't feeling anything. So the stories I wanted to tell you, the thoughts I wanted to share--it all stopped. I had no photos to show you, I had nothing. I felt nothing. March came and went, and I was still feeling uninspired. Now April is almost over, and I'm only starting to feel the beginnings of a spark. I can't explain why or how I lose inspiration, but sometimes you just do. Suddenly things become bland and the conclusion you draw to is, "I think I need to take a step back." So I did. I set everything aside and went about my life. I guess I did a bit of soul-searching, but not the intense kind. It was more of gathering myself together and finding joys in the little things again. It's always the little things you miss, and when you rediscover them, they make you smile all over again. So here's to that, and to slowly feeling and finding inspiration. The other part of why I was gone was purely technical. I had upgraded to the latest version of Movable Type (MT 5.01), and I wasn't quite sure if I liked the new design so I had been tinkering around with TextPattern, WordPress and ExpressionEngine. I can tell you that I found all three to be solid CMSes, so that's pretty cool. But none of them felt quite right to me, and I eventually returned to MT. I'm going to be straight up: I think this might be my favorite version so far. And believe me, I've been through many versions of it. I've had my share of ups and downs through installations and upgrades and debugging. But Movable Type was my very first CMS (remember Greymatter?), and I've stuck with it. Anyway, long story short: I'm a MT user through and through. Now that we're square, I have to tell you, I never thought the name of this place would make me laugh so much. While I was gone, I've had people email me things like, "Where's my toast?" "Things need to be toastier." "I want to feel toasty again." You guys, thanks for making me smile. And thanks for reading and caring? I'm sorry, I'm still very much surprised that people read what I write, even after all these years. Last few things! (I'm still fixing a few things, so bear with me.) I rearranged my furniture, so if you're reading in a feeder, click on through. I combined all my subpages into my about page and added a bit to it. Oh man, and don't look through my archives because those are still a mess (I'm getting to them). I think my feeds should still be okay, but just in case, do subscribe to my Atom. Well, if you got through all of that, hi! I hope everyone's good. Yes, I have been reading all your posts so I'm pretty up to date with you guys. Now, go look at something pretty! |
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Hi, my name is Amy. Be well, and say hello!
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